Some women like to be wined and dined. I like to be margarita’d and queso’d

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children. Just like the bottle says.

I either give too many shits, or no shits at all. I can’t seem to find a middle ground for moderate shit distribution.

I don’t pretend to be anything I’m not. Except sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a time or two.

Not all of us were made to cook. Some of us were made to have conversations with the person cooking.

No one is more full of shit than a mom who says, “maybe. “

Fruit snacks are probably the best parenting tool around. Little bags of shut the heck up.

I am so grateful for my children. Without them, I never would’ve known how great wine goes with chicken nuggets.

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes, but instead I accidentally get… well you know… Oreos

Dieting is easy. It’s just like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. And everything is on fire. Because you’re in hell.

My kids remind me of a software update. Every time I see them, I think, “not now.”

I have a feeling my Check liver light might come on soon

My husband and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.